Bagel Dogs!!!!!!

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O frabjous day! My life is nearing completion thanks in part to my newest sweetheart, Lisa Bang. Embarrassingly cute and unimaginably smart, Lisa came to my rescue when woe had struck me low. For two decades, my life has been missing something incredibly important, something no one should be without. (Unless they're so unimaginative and unadventurous as to put down or just plain not like my second-favorite Hebrew invention; kiss my grits, Natalie!)

Sam's Club used to carry them by the bagful and we'd get two or three bags a month. They were amazing to behold. Simply pop one in the microwave after coming home from a rough day at school, dip 'em in ketchup, and all was suddenly right with the world.

I am of course talking about the wonder that is the bagel dog. Yes, the modest, unassuming bagel dog.

For reasons inexplicable to me, Sam's Club stopped selling bagel dogs around 20 years ago, though for a little while they still continued to sell the not-nearly-so-enjoyable mini bagle dog. (Insert :shudder: emoticon here.) Like the Amiga, original Frosted Mini Wheats, Top Shelf lasagna, Black Pepperjack Doritos, $5 seafood buffets at the casinos, Lemon-Lime Slice, Lacey Chabert, and reasonable prices at Arby's, as soon as I found them and fell in love with them, they disappeared without a trace and were never heard from again.

Do Bald Men Have More Sex Drive?

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A friend of mine who is, for some reason, self-conscious about his baldness, sent me this link, which I think is kinda interesting, especially since I've been short on hair for quite some time. My solution has been to cut it really short - even shorter than I kept it in the Navy. That way, I look a little more like Jason Statham and a little less like William Conrad.

Of course, I'm wondering what exactly "more sex drive" is supposed to mean in real-world terms. Should I be banging everything that moves? Eight or more times a day? Maybe I should give that a try. I'm sure that's what Bruce Willis does.

And if you're self-conscious about your looks, whether you're a guy or a gal, whether you're bald or hairy, whether you're thin or fat, I've got some advice you might want to take:

Crime Wave hits Palm Coast

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Back in October, as part of his "Small Town News" segment on The Late Show, David Letterman showed an article from a Palm Coast paper about a crime report. It was the kind of thing that occasionally shows up on Jay Leno's weekly "Headlines" segment. It seems that someone stole a can of pop and a pair of AA batteries, forgoing an expensive GPS system. Dave turned out to be a good guesser, figuring out that the city was close to St. Augustine. (Note to Dave: It's slightly closer to Daytona Beach.)

Today, Palm Coast is putting together a video to send to my fellow Hoosier daddy to show him where the city is and what it's like there. They're doing it at the First Annual Palm Coast Joy Ride, which is going on right now, and which will appear on an episode of the JAG BMX reality TV show.

I suspect that, upon receiving this video, Dave will pay the town a visit, perhaps even tape a show there. So let me be the first to welcome you, David Letterman!

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Other articles you'll find interesting or entertaining:
How to Make More Money
Profiling: Is It Good or Bad?
Leyland French - 1995

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New Year's Resolution Policy

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In conjunction with our Happy New Year Philosophy, there is also a New Year's Resolution Policy, which is to be implemented immediately.

Heretofore, when you wish to make a resolution to do something, and you want to wait for some landmark event to start it (end of the year, end of the pack of cigarettes, end of the piece of cake you're eating, etc), I hereby declare that the landmark event is NOW, and you may begin acting in accordance to your new resolution.

Surely you're not the only person who has wanted to make some sort of change in their life, and then decided to wait until something happened to make the change, right? Several people I know who CLAIM to want to stop smoking have this particular habit: they say, "I'm going to stop smoking. This is my last pack." Because, you know, they don't want to waste the $2-worth of cigarettes left in the pack because that's SO MUCH MORE VALUABLE than avoiding the hospital bill for emphysema, nevermind the cost to your personal honor when that moment comes and you engage your habit to go get some more, thereby breaking your word.

We're people of our word, aren't we?

So how can we quit smoking, quit eating junk food, quit wussing out of whatever change we're wanting to make in ourselves? I'll tell you.