You Didn't Exist Five Minutes Ago

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I just thought you might like to know that I created the entire universe about five minutes ago. (Six, considering how long it took you to read to this point.) "Yeah right," you say. See? I made you say that. "What about all my memories?" you ask. Simple: they're not real. I made them up. I created all kinds of little things for you all to discover, such as rings in trees indicating their age, sedimentary layers in the Earth indicating its age, and I even gave you all belly buttons, even though none of you were born. Why? Because that's the world you expect to find.

Why am I telling you this? Because a select few of you - those who are reading this now, in fact - are special beyond measure. I put within you a compulsion to come here right now so you would know the truth about the world in which you live.

Why would I go through the trouble of creating an entire universe and then take no care to ensure my own place at the very top? Who's to say I haven't? But I would like for the rest of the world to think so, and it is not for you or them to question that. Just accept it, and commence to accomplish the secret mission which I have assigned to you. You will find it hiding in your subconscious, not far from where I put the compulsion to come here 8 minutes ago.

I suppose you may wish to see proof I accomplished this feat. I'll provide it, but only as reward if you can prove I didn't do it. Remember, I made everything, including your memories. You have not actually done anything you remember doing; it's all an implanted memory to give you the illusion of free will.

Be good, convert the masses, and praise me once in a while, huh? I'll be watching.

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Why don't they just Occupy Washington?

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By now you're aware that I'm the mastermind behind the Occupy Movement. I've agitated for years about unfairness and hypocrisy, especially when it comes from the people who are supposed to be running the country, until finally someone even braver than myself decided to go Occupy Wall Street and brought all his newly homeless friends with him. The movement spread all over the country, to every major city, until today we have people who are tired of the protests whining, "Why don't they just go Occupy Washington DC? Why does it have to be all over the country?"

This, of course, shows a frightening unwillingness to think without the TV news providing their opinion for them (followed up by denial of such).

Why don't the millions of Americans who are fed up with money polluting politics and the growing boldness with which the country is raped just go march on Washington DC? Simple, really.

Mandatory Driver Education

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As a friend drove me somewhere the other day, I noticed that she didn't know how to drive properly. This person used to be an accident investigator for the US Postal Service; she knew just about everything there was to know about trucks without having driven one, and yet, she was driving very discourteously around them as well as other cars. I was surprised to see her blocking up traffic, riding bumpers, riding catacorner to people in their blind spots at highway speeds (what I call "clipping"), and using an inconsistent speed which meant she got in everyone's way.

Of course, she's hardly the only offender. I constantly see people driving like they're idiots, getting in my way, and otherwise flirting with disaster. Thank God I'm a better driver than almost anyone! I have evaded being in several accidents in the past 20-some years since I've had a license, and so I thought I'd offer a few driving tips so you can learn them and then lord them over your buddies the way kids nag their parents to wear their seatbelts.

After I castigated her, I wrote these 8 Simple Rules for Driving on my Road:

Fearmongering Scientists

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You know how, later this year, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012? Today between 11:00 and 12:00 I heard Astronomer Phil Plait on WHYY internet radio trying to convince us all that it's just not true.

First, he used flimsy arguments to dismiss the arrival of the planet Nibiru, AKA Planet X, which will collide with Earth on that fateful day. According to Dr. Plait, any planet bound by the Sun's gravity (he doesn't explicitly say this, but it's what he meant) which was going to collide with Earth within the next year would be near the orbit of Mars and because of its size (4 times that of Earth) it would be brighter in the sky than Jupiter, which at the moment is easily visible near the moon as a very bright star. He further asserts that such a massive object would have disrupted the orbits of Earth, Mars, and other planets by now with its gravity, something which he says isn't happening.

However, Plait plainly has no idea what he's talking about!

Hello? Reality calling Dr. Phil? Aren't you forgetting something rather important?